How to Raise an Honest Child and Have Win Win Interactions

Do you have difficulty teaching honesty to children? Why do children lie? Why do we lie? Read this article to learn how to teach honesty, prevent lying and have win-win interactions.

I lied as a child

I was not one of those children who were born good. I had a wild imagination and liked to make up stories that were untrue. In other words, I often lied. This continued unchecked until I was six years old.

My fantastic lie

When I was six, my sister who was five and I went to the same kindergarten. Like many younger sisters, she liked to tag along. One day, a friend was absent from school. I told my sister that the friend was sick. The next day, my friend was still absent. My sister asked again what happened to this friend. I told her that the friend had died from sickness. My younger sister was most impressed by my dramatic story. However, the following day this friend returned to class. When we got home from school, my sister asked “If she died, why was she in school today?”

The need to cover up my lie

I had to think of how to cover up my lie. I had a vivid imagination but unfortunately or fortunately for me, I was not very bright. I sat down on the piano bench to ponder on this predicament. A moment later, my mother sat down beside me. She told me Aesop’s fable of ‘The Boy who cried “Wolf” ‘.

The Boy who cried “Wolf”

The fable: Once there was a boy who was in charge of looking after some sheep. The boy was often alone with the sheep and felt very lonely. One day he thought of a brilliant idea to get some attention. He called out “Wolf! Wolf! Wolves are attacking my sheep.” All the villagers rushed to help. However, when they got up the hill, there were no wolves. A few days later, the boy was feeling bored. He decided to repeat his trick. The boy laughed when he saw the villagers rushing up the hill. Some days later, wolves came to attack the sheep. He shouted for help. But this time no one came to his aid and all his sheep were eaten by the wolves.

My life changing moment

At the end of the story, my mother told me that I could become like the boy in the fable. If I continued with my lies, no one would believe me even when I told the truth. I broke down and cried. My mother then comforted me. She told me that it was not too late. But I had to start telling the truth from that instant. She told me that in the future, even if no one believed me, she would believe me. I promised her that I would never let her down.

Owning up to my lie

I rubbed my eyes and went to look for my younger sister. She was playing with her doll. I told her that I had lied to her and I told her the truth. She looked up at me and smiled. She seemed to have forgotten about the matter. We played with our dolls. I felt such relief.

The luckiest child in the world

I felt I was the luckiest child in the world and I still do. Many children would have been scolded or punished for telling lies but I was not. My mother taught me the importance of honesty. She also taught me how to teach and nurture honesty and integrity.

Why do children lie

Telling stories and lies to make themselves seem more important is one reason why children lie. Another reason is they are caught doing something they shouldn’t be doing. They are painted into a corner when confronted on this. They feel trapped. They lie not because they want to lie but because they don’t want to get into trouble.

Opening the Net at one side

There is a Chinese saying 网开一面。It means “to open the net on one side”. If the net has no opening, fish caught in the net may be so desperate as to fight to the death to escape. So don’t put the child in the spot where he feels that he has to lie to get out of trouble. Give him a way out of the situation.

Accountability and Responsibility

If you caught a child stealing a cookie, don’t ask him if he has stolen a cookie. Just tell him that if he has taken the cookie, then he must make some reparation. Make him accountable for his actions. Perhaps no television for that day or that he has to sweep the floor. Give him the choice. Give him some control and the responsibility for his actions.

Teach children when they are young

Young children are very logical. They can make sense of many things. They are open to understanding things. If we want them to be honest, we must be honest with them. We must give them opportunities to be honest. Let them understand that we are all human and that we make mistakes. Mistakes are okay as long as we make amends and do better the next time.

Doing good vs Doing wrong

As a secondary school teacher, I had to handle teenagers and discipline problems. Teenagers are not as open as young children. They are usually quite defensive of their behaviour and are unlikely to admit to wrongdoing. I found it very effective to ask questions like “I know you didn’t do wrong but did you do good?” or “Could we have done better?”

Don’t believe your own lies

I use similar questions to check myself. “Did I do good? Could I have done better?” Even as an adult or more so because I am an adult, I find it hard to admit to my mistakes. I also find it hard to admit my lies, my hidden agendas. I find it hard to ask the questions, “Did I do wrong? Did I just lie? Was I dishonest?” If we don’t ask ourselves these questions and confront them, we fall into the trap of justifying our actions and believing the lies that we tell ourselves.

Don’t be an Old Fool

I have many role models. I love spending time talking to them because their window to life is wider than mine. Most are older and have gone through perhaps what I will need to go through in the future. When I was much younger, a much older friend told me that an old fool was the saddest thing to him. The advice he gave me was “Don’t be an Old Fool’’. Through these years, I feel that this is the best advice I have ever received. No one is perfect. We must learn from our mistakes. If not, even when we are old we will not be wise. Worse, we may become sad old fools.

Make it Win-Win

The Chinese pay a lot of attention to saving or giving face. Many, including the Chinese, make fun of this. Taken to the extreme, it can be ridiculous but the basis of this is showing respect and giving dignity to the other person. Let us promote win-win situations when we handle children or with each other. Be graceful and respectful in the way we treat others. We may need to agree to disagree. Let us be honest to ourselves and to others. We don’t know everything. We are still learning. We are not perfect.