How to Nurture Kindness: A lesson from Confucius

What is kindness? Can kindness be nurtured? How to be a kind person and nurture kindness? Is being kind naive? In this article I will try to attempt to answer these questions.

What is kindness

To quote the French moralist and essayist Joseph Joubert (1754 -1824), “ Kindness is loving people more than they deserve”. I think a kind person is someone who is charitable in words and in deeds and not just to other people. I try to apply kindness in the many situations and aspects that I face in life.

Kindness: Nature or Nurture

Some people are born kind. I have met some very kind people and I am sure that you have too. They seem to be naturally kind. I am not one of them. I had to learn how to be kind when I was a child and I am still constantly learning how to be kind. Hence I firmly believe that kindness can be nurtured.

My very unkind action when I was a child

When I was ten years old, I hurt a classmate very deeply. I said something very hurtful to her and made her cry. I hope that she gets to read this article as I would like to apologize to her again. When I was with my best friend, this classmate would always tag along despite our hints. She would say that she had the right as she was my best friend’s cousin. One day, I found out from my best friend that she was her second cousin and not really one because she had been adopted. So some time later when I found her to be quite pesky, I blurted this out. When I saw her crying, I felt bad because I had been unkind and I had hurt her but I also felt righteous because I felt that I had only told the truth.

The Lesson from Confucious

The teacher told my parents about this incident and my father came to talk to me when I was in the garden. He did not punish or scold me. He just told me one of the teachings of Confucius. He told me that in addition to being truthful, that there are other things to consider too. According to Confucius before we speak, we must consider three things: Is it True Is it Necessary Is it Kind

Focussing on Truth and Necessary

I was a talkative and impatient child. To make it simple for me, my father told me to focus on ‘Truth’ and ‘Necessary’. If it was not necessary then it is better not to say it out because many times we say things that are not kind. He told me that we have to learn to be kind. When I followed this advice, I found that I said less unkind words.

Two out of Three

Life is not so simple. As I grew up, I began to realize that we cannot speak the truth all the time because it can hurt. Sometimes we need to say some untrue things if it is necessary and kind. As most of you have also discovered, too much kindness harms. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Hence while I try to follow the three criteria of ‘Truth’, ‘ Necessary’ and ‘Kind’ set by Confucius, in practice I follow the “Two out of Three” rule most of the time.

One out of Two

Kindness is not only in speech but also in deeds. Hence I modified what I learned from Confucius in speech for deeds. Before I take a certain action, I would consider: Is it necessary Is it kind The answer is pretty easy if both are True: Take the action. The answer is equally easy if both are False: Don’t take the action. If the answer to one of the above is True, I will usually take the action. You may not want to take the same steps or make the same decisions as I do. Everyone needs to adapt and modify so that it works for them. The important thing is to have kindness as your goal.

Give kindness a chance

Many people think that being kind is not realistic. They think that those who aim for this are simplistic and naive. Perhaps they are right because life is complex. Despite my best intentions and efforts, I still make mistakes and do harm. But I have little regret because I have kindness as my vision. I was very lucky that the people around me guided and taught me on how to be a kind person from a young age. Hence I am writing this article to share and help others be kinder and to nurture kindness in children. It is never too early to learn how to be kind and never too late to be kind.